Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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