I think I died a long time ago.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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