Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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