Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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