yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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