I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
