If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
did i just pee glitter
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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