Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
