Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
