I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
