Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
