: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
