Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
