happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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