Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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