also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
