I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
