shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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