i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
ttyl tear gas
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
