Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.