He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
