I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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