Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
