Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
