my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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