What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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