got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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