So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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