The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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