If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
