she woke up with a sticky ear
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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