hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she smelled like a LAN party
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
