So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
