I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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