i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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