I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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