I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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