why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
