did you get engaged???
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
