first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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