Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We don't watch enough power rangers
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
