you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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