I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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