Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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