I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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