Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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