my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
