Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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