We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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