Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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