Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
