every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
