I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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