I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
